ANGRY BUT HURTING
(part 3 Emotional Outburst)
Anger is a deception that attempts to protect one against hurts. Anger is a sign of deep rooted emotional wounds that we are nursing in our souls. As a matter of fact, when you see someone get angry, you have seen someone who is afraid of getting wounded and hurt by the object of anger or the situation.
“The discretion of a man makes him slow to anger, and his glory is to overlook a transgression”
How does emotional wounds come, they come from things that has been done to us from our past, hurtful words, adverse situations, a certain failure, an oppression, anything that causes us intense pain in the past can trigger extreme anger in the future if we have not been healed from them.
Most people who are controlled by anger are actually like that because they are trying to prevent the past from repeating itself. They are afraid of pain of loss or pain of one thing or the other. Someone in my past did something terrible to me that hurt me, broke my heart, caused me losses, inflicted me with pain, so therefore I come up with rules unconsciously that states what people are permitted to do in my life or not, what words or actions are permitted and as soon as someone begins to break that rule I get provoked and react in anger. Why? The reason is because I feel that if this person does this thing, it will hurt me again, or if I do not punish this person by hurting them back through my angry words or actions, they might repeat it. So therefore anger becomes a means of punishment for people in other to prevent them from doing such to us, we take vengeance through anger to get back at our source of threat or possible source of pain.
Understanding this is very crucial, it makes you able to understand angry people and help them to put their anger into perspective. We must understand that the aim of anger is to eliminate source of threat. Anger’s objective is to identify what wants to cause us pain and then “destroy’ that thing. Why does anger try to eliminate source of threat, because he doesn’t want to be hurt by that threat again, so notice people who get angry easily, they have been hurt in the past immensely and the only way they know to cope with that situation, the only way they know to prevent themselves from getting hurt is by the fierceness of anger, so anger becomes a form of protect wall for them, yet anger doesn’t exactly protect us, it exposes us to more hurts. In our bid to protect ourselves, we hurt the people in our lives instead. When we hurt the people that we supposedly care about, it becomes increasingly difficult to have joy and peace ourselves. As at that moment when we are angry we may feel powerful and in control, we may even feel a sense of security, since “you won’t take nonsense” and “next time, they won’t try that nonsense with you” but when anger subsides, then we begin to hurt out of regrets and guilt. We may have lost integrity and our reputation.
“What we lose from anger is often more than what we gain from it”
The fear of pain is always at the root of anger. The fearful anticipation that you may hurt by people often provokes anger in them. It is thus important to respond to angry people with understanding and gentleness, find out what they are afraid of, find out why they are reacting that way, respond with empathy and understanding. Help them to alleviate their fears, make them feel secured and protected. Their anger should not provoke you to anger, that would be a very wrong response. You must respond with understanding.
If he gets angry with you over a matter, find out what exactly in that situation is responsible for his fears, what hurt or pain from the past is that situation reminding him of? What wrong belief does he have that makes him react like that? If he gets angry with you anytime he sees you talking with another guy, don’t get angry at him that he is always jealous; your response should be that of assurance. Tell him, he should understand that no one can ever replace him in your life, that you are sorry you took so much time with that person, let him know no one can access your heart except him. And don’t just say it, act it and let him see that you make him a priority in your life.
“Relationship should be a healing place not a battle place where we hurt one another.”
In this true life example, A young lady whose father left their mother in a divorce for another woman obviously would have a very strong jealousy issue, because every time she sees you with another lady she is reminded of what happens to her mother and she fights with you. Don’t complain about her, just reassure her and prioritize her, she needs healing and total acceptance. This actually happened to a lady I met who had a romantic interest in me but would be very jealouse when she sees talking me with ladies in my church or school. I later realized her jealousy had nothing to do with me but everything to do with her past with her parent’s divorce. Even though God never permitted a relationship with her, yet, she would be jealouse. Why should a lady be jealouse over someone she is not even in a relationship with? That’s the result of past hurts.
Maybe the lady in your life gets angry whenever you say a joke, you refer to her in a funny way, she may feel humiliated and angry, she may be reminded of those who made mockery of her in the past and she may react out of anger at seemingly innocuous statements, don’t react back in anger, she may not be able to respond appropriately to comments that sounds close to ridicule. What you must do is constantly say words that encourage her, words that put confidence in her, words of affirmation, always speak to sooth her heart and her emotions. You must become like a healer in your relationship. Allay her fears, make your relationship a conducive place for her to flourish, refrain from actions or words that can make her hurt or afraid, and in case you mistakenly hurt her , apologize and help sooth her emotions.
This is one aspect of relationship people don’t understand. Conflict will always happen if you are not sensitive to the emotions of people and if you don’t know what triggers people’s emotional wounds from the past, you will constantly get into a fight with them. Why do people fight with us, they fight because they are trying to stop you from being a source of pain to them. People fight to get the love or acceptance they have been deprived of or to get healed. So when you notice any little reaction of anger or withdrawal in people, identify what is hurting them and do your best to help them to heal.
I receive grace to be sensitive to the emotions of people around me and to be a healer hearts and not a killer in jesus name
Lord, every emotional hurts in the past that predisposes me to unhealthy anger. Heal me of it in jesus name.
Pray for your spouse for emotional healing and call their attention to whatever is triggerring this anger from the past so that they can be healed by the holyspirit.
Pls share this with others
Yours In Love
Ayo Garuba (pst)
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